"You don't know me"

Transparent and evolving musings of an x-madam - so you can, if you wish to.

One of the hardest parts of being a “madam/p1mp” is that it can be very lonely, it truly is hard out there.

Maybe it just attracts extroverted introverts who enjoy being famous underground Kaiser Soze-esque. Hated, feared and admired - with ridiculous alter egos ending in ‘ahh’ or ‘iye’.

There are no dedicated non-profits, trade shows or online groups for this demographic. Or at least I didn’t find them… and I officially stopped looking, just not wishing.

I was blessed with amazing friendships, mentors and co-workers who provided great support over the years. Of course, none greater than my saint of a sidekick and partner for decades - or centuries as I like to say - seriously the best dude ever.

I never understood why most other professionals can collaborate, congregate and support learning the unique perspective of the “competition.” Even gangs, mobs and perverts have safe spaces to collab and support - kinda. Or at least a desire to try.

As much as I grew to dislike the “Fubard” adult webmaster conferences of the 00s - and how they did business. They do have a community that ëscort$ do not have, and are unlikely to ever have - on this side of the world at least.

With the exception of one (partner for 12 years) - every time I tried to collaborate as a madam, peeps didn’t know how to take it or me. Maybe they lacked follow through, work ethic or had deep-seated trust PTSD issues. Most just felt if it’s not broken, why fix it?

Maybe they couldn’t see the angle I always did? I know that it wasn’t until I felt theirs - that I knew my time was done. I was shot down, screwed over and talked shyt about as consistently as I was praised. Still didn’t stop me from trying till the end, and finding peace by letting go of it all.

Even though we held the same job, my way of doing business and ethics was different from anyone else I met. That’s not to say I was the best - or have I been perfect. Just to say I do believe we would have greatly improved things for everyone if we had found common ground connections and goals.

The punk rocker in me chose to challenge the system and not conform to the status quo. The activist/people pleaser in me - found out the hard way, why this industry evolved the way it did. Yet, I never let that break or deter me - or at least it took 20+ years before it did.

As I eventually worked with providers all across Canada - I heard firsthand how different the service I offered was. Years ago I completed a Canada wide survey with the local sex workers non-profit. Although I didn’t hear about the feedback of that report until 5 years later, I was informed I ran one of the most forward-thinking agencies in Canada. The above is not intended to toot my horn (only) but to acknowledge different is always better, even when it’s not.

During my last months in the industry, I had an interaction with someone I held the same job title with. They made sure to let me know that “You don’t know me” - I could only agree and say “What I do know - I do not respect, prove me wrong.”

TBH, it wasn’t that polite, speaking over each other - trying to make points we both have - neither listening to the other.

Savages - no wonder we don’t have a tribe.

I don’t know what motivates me to engage with people this way, but I have learned (not perfected) to walk away. At least it’s something I am consciously working on.

During my last year of service to this diverse community, I was able to nurture the start of a friendship I hope to hold dear forever. We are at the 50 feet of rope stage - trying to remember we are not in competition anymore - while knowing we are bonded and tempered by trauma.

This is someone I admire for all the ways we are different. Oh, the things we could have taught each other back then - if only we could have.

We are both living for ourselves as the focus - tons of weight off our shoulders. Using very different types of therapy to heal from releasing those heavy loads. Content to be done with the work we did and how we did it, but not so ignorant to not respect the other’s path.

I think there would be value in writing a book together one day - if only - to help those other lonely souls find some common ground and healing. Unlike me, she does not find solace in words - but rather silence.

I can dig it, but I am also tenacious and patient at heart ;)

That altercation I spoke of earlier - Yes, I ended it and left laughing at one part of our exchange in particular.

“Once a madam, always a madam” my reply… “I sure as fuk hope not”

Irony in healing, you have to admire how beautiful it is sometimes - and just smile.